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deprivedandnotcanadian
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Name: Ryan
Birthday: 6/5/1985
Gender: Male
Interests: Working way too much, fighting crime, protecting the innocent, feeding my horse, pressing my uniform. Well, yeah... about that.... I've never had a horse actually. And i don't have a girlfriend.... my life is pretty not the way that sounds. but talk to me. it'll be fun.
Occupation: Operations
Industry: Media
Message: message me
AIM:  ryanpnash1
MSN: ryanpnash@hotmail.com
Member Since:
6/10/2003
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| I'm a cat toy. that's what i am. a damned cat toy for her to get out and play with when she wants to, but as soon as something new and shiny comes along, i'm left alone on the floor. sure, i seem to be the toy she keeps coming back to, but i can't take being her toy. I can't take the thought of being her man anymore. I need to get out. right now. i'm going home in two days, but it's not soon enough. and i know i'll still want to call her... just like i do now. but she's across town right now, not across the state. maybe that's a good thing. that i haven't called her yet. maybe if i stop paying attention, she'll start. but what if we just talk... everything could be different. i'm just so sick of the love in her eyes and the feeling in her touch and the song in her voice... that all changes when someone else is near. i don't get it. I can't afford to keep her. I cant afford the pain. I can't afford the madness. I really can't afford the meals. But then tomorrow she'll look at me, with that look in her eye again, and i'll want to run to her. there's no way i can seem to get around it... no way, except.... well yeah. i'm thinking about quitting. i'm thinking about going out on tour and not coming back. but do i really have the experience for that? do i really have the know how and the personal ability to just go and do that... without those crazy people i love? without people like sarah? because even if it's not sarah, it's always someone like her, isn't it.... while steph is very different from sarah, the situation remains the same. am i incapable of simple romantic love? it's starting to feel that way. it's starting to feel like no matter who it is, no matter where i am, i'll always be that friend... and why? i don't know. i could be because i'm being indecisive... it could be because i'm just terrified of being happy.... of declaring what i want and going for it. and maybe it won't work... but maybe it will... who the heck knows?
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| I'm tired... but i'm not sleepy. it's been one week of class... and i'm exhausted. i don't like the radio station. sarah asks me what's wrong all the time, but doesn't actually take the time to care. i hate it, because it leaves me saying, i wish steph was here... but if steph was here, would anything be different? perhaps the most awkward part of my love life is that steph is the closest thing i've had to a good start in years. she's beautiful, brilliant, driven, and easy to hold. i loved every minute of that two weeks. really. and i don't even know what to say now. i forgot about it over the summer. i pushed my head into annie for a few weeks, then into sarah when she lost mike. i've been so wrapped in sarah, but every thought has brought me trouble and misery instead of the simple content that steph gave. yeah, we scuffled about stuff. and i hurt her feelings, and she hurt mine. but our few weeks was work. maybe i'm remembering more roses than thorns, but i've always been that type of person. i don't even know what to say to any woman anymore. so often i find myself just looking for somebody to hold, converse with, and kiss for a short time, and not somebody i really want. i don't even know who that is anymore. i had such a good idea of that woman when i was 14... over the years, she adapted... and it seems like she metamorphosizes into whatever woman i'm considering next. i can't trust myself anymore, and i'm tired of it. I know that somebody special is waiting out there. maybe i'll see her someday. but i want her today. and of all the crazy women i've met in the last year, i think of only one that pops out at me... but to chase her truly would change my whole life... and i don't think she's ready to take a chance on me... i want to go back to louisville. it was easy. do the news, go to sleep. do the news. go to sleep.... nobody talks to me, and i don't talk to them. i was fine with that. and i don't know what's wrong around here lately... if it's the whole summer of me being anti social affecting my friendships, or travis and sarah playing boyfriend and girlfriend, and both being my boss when i tought them both everything they know. i don't mind that i'm not in authority... but i'm not an idiot either... so don't treat me like some dumb other guy. training at fox was a bit stressful too... but i did pretty well today, so i think i'm good to go. just fitting into the group is the hard part... because it's a team of 10 instead of 30 so you've really got to work on personal relationships...access usi will be ok. classes will be ok... i just need a chance to figure out what i want besides classes and tv. there are 45 women in my life, and i could find a reason to date every one of them... is that wrong? I mean, i surround myself with special people. a good relationship is a good friendship, where you're more than just friends. is it so bad to want that, and to look to my female friends as possible sources of a relationship? is it bad to find some of them attractive? i narrow down the list of datables every week...but i fear i'm going to come down to the wire and find her at the end of the list again. not her sarah, not her annie, not her d or missy or a hundred other girls... that one woman. beautiful woman... who i've held... kissed... and been told she's not ready. on the one hand, i want her to be the one... on the other hand, i'm scared of the idea... and i don't dare bring it up, because we agreed that friends was where we should stay. hellacious earth, i'm always in relational trouble, arent i?
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| I found this scribbled on a folded piece of paper from about two years ago. hope you few enjoy....
I write in ink and paper. Not a trend or fashionable agreement for this day, but rather as a testament to my world that no matter the age or happening, this shall remain what is me. Uncapable of facsimilie or alteration, a personal existence which is my own truth.
I have experienced a good deal. And while it is in no means comparable to all experience, I know what I know and who I am. I am a lover. I have bore great pain in doing so, yet nothing is undserving of just and complete passion. All things, from the sun to the depths of the earth deserve the adoration of human hands, including humans themselves. Many people have grown to love these things; scientists, businessmen, clergy, politicans, humanitarians, and philosophers find passion in their respects, and adoration of these things. I am no scientist, the physical world is what it is, brought to us to aid our existence. Businessmen love the creations of humans, money and office towers, farms and cities. Yet the creations of this world give me no passion, they are cast away by those who love them. On and on the list goes, careening through a sea of thought and definition. These do not hold a place for me.
God the father, creator of the world, who made men and gave them the choice to live in eden or in sin and though men rejected eden, condemned his son, Jesus the Christ, to become mortal and fall at the hand of sin as attonment for those who chose to stray, has placed me in a difficult and strnuous position among his people. I have been chosen to love those around me without doubt, and tell those he commissioned me to in every chance I recieve.
The Father has blessed me with the ability to lead. Though I am not the tender of his flock upon the Earth, I have been challenged to take charge of my situations, so I may better them for his glory and for the comfort of his people. I did not ask for this, and I do not wish it upon anyone else. The father has asked me to be who and what I am, to love thos who have none, and to push those who refuse to move.
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| if he calls her one more time and tells her he misses her, i think she just might try to hurt herself.
doesn't he what he's doing? does he even care? probably not. since he's more than happy with this charissa. and i'd like to save her, take her away from it, but she won't listen to me. i'm afraid i've pushed her away... i should have told her that first day she said "what's wrong" but i just didn't think it was right.
just like always, i spend all my time looking for that perfect romantic moment that i can spill my feelings, but by not telling her in the innopportune times, i've estranged her.
god, i just wish she'd call me. talk to me. tell me what kristy's doing. i don't care. i just really want to hear her voice directed at me.
one of these days, it won't even matter, i'm sure. either this will be in our ancient history, or i'll find somebody else and never speak of this again... i would like it to be our ancient history... but god only knows if she'd ever go for me anymore. i'm having a small personal crisis.
it doesn't help that i'm going to transplant my life again in two days. i'm happy to be going, but i'm nervous. I just don't know what entirely to expect. i dont know if i'll have a job, or if i even want a job. i mean, lookin at the cash flow, i have a sneaking suspicion that rent and utilities will be covered. now that means, i just have to pay for food and gas. if i do news a few mornings a week, and my web job a few other mornings a week, i might be able to swing it. i kinda want my weekends.... but at the same time, i want to work someplace. and the job at WFIE would keep me in the newsroom at least. but when christmas and thanksgiving rolls around, i'm down here. alone. do i really want that sacrifice? i'm just having second thoughts, is all. i really want to work at WLKY in may, and i think i might be able to get a job, if there is one. at the same darn time, i could work at fox, they have a weekend audio spot open, and a couple days of prompter in the mornings. i'd be out of the newsroom, but the hours would be more reasonable, and i'd get to work with erik. that could be fun. and i don't need a ton of extra money, because i'd still have am820 and the tvlab hours. which i could work back to back a few days a week. that could be sweet.i mean, about 15 hours at am820, 5 hours at tvlab, 12 hours at fox = 32 hours a week. it could work! and i'd have time to study, i'd be able to do some things on the weekends, it would be great! i think i've found my plan. i guess i'll call john at fox tomorrow about that audio prompt job. and it's fox, so they barely even do news on holidays! perfect!
so, that opens up more time for me to do some stories at school, work on my resume tape, and kick some ass at life!
i'm feeling much better about that now... now the only real trouble in my world, is yet again beautiful Sarah.
more on that later... but right now, i'm signing off.
COUNTDOWN TO EVANSVILLE ---- 5 DAYS 1 HOUR 2 MINUTES
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| - I Want To Save Youyou know, i think all the feelings have gone. I'm going to say i'm tired of trying, and i'm tired of not trying because i want it to be right. and the next few weeks are going to be incredibly simple. We haven't talked in days. she's my best friend, but she doesn't call, when i call she's busy and never calls back, when i sit here alone for hours, just wishing the phone would ring, because i feel like i've done something wrong. maybe i have. she is my best friend, she does know me better than anybody. She knows, I know she knows, and she knows i know she knows. and she's putting distance between us for the same reason that i was. she's not ready. if they didn't get back together friday (i'm scared to find out) once she gets to evansville, i can sweep her off her feet. it will be great. i miss her. i don't really think about her constantly like i used to... it's not hurting me with every moment i'm not with her. i think that i'm better of that now. and you know, i'm sorta satisified with not seeing her at all for the next few weeks. it'll give me time to clear my head, figure out who i am, get back to me again. because love was haunting me for about a month there, and i almost turned into a ghost. i realized - if god wants me to have these feelings, it doesn't mean god wants me to obsess over them this way. so i'm better now. and i'm glad to say it. she's still lovely, she's still incredible, she's still the woman of my dreams (literally). but i refuse to follow that blindly. I have plans. i have talent. i have some idea of what i want, and she's only part of it. only part.
so what's the moral of the story? i forgot why i loved her. because when i loved her, i could still be me. and when i love her, i still get to do what i want to do.
So bam. i'm not over her. but i'm over the agony
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